7. 5. 2009

My mind is chaos but chaos is not my mind...


Drugs, pornography, and the devouring of the products of human creativity have become my vices. I feel the tug on my strings when it is time to fulfill the urge, fuel the machine. I am so tired of answering these voices, these urges beyond my superfluous addictions. The simple things, like eating, sleeping, on occasion even the chore of breathing borders on tedious and tremendous. To be charitable, I should commit suicide, to take myself out of the world, stop using resources, stop shitting, stop complaining. But fuck that, butt-fuck that.

I've hated the world for so long now that I don't want to leave it. I want to destroy it, or at least watch everyone else do it. I feel like there is no way I could ever love the world again...

I can't even bring myself to be creative anymore, it is like the world burns every piece of me up and inhales the soul-smoke. I am left a hollow husk, as burnt and dead as a corpse of a bird rotting in the midday sun by the road, hit by a car as it was trying to fly through the road. I can't ever bring my charred heart to beat again, I swear! Never to the beat of this world, never will I feel its pulse and bleed its blood! My blood runs black as the ashes that fall around me, staining anyone that gets too close. I am by no means crazy, but is the rest of the world? FUCK yes! So to be judged by their standards puts me on the minority end of things, and in that right I am labeled crazy, because MY beliefs do not fit the structure! I SAY FUCK YOU, YOU HAVE NO BELIEFS!

I sit in horror whenever I am exposed to the world outside that witch I have made for myself. I wonder what it is inside these people that make them act that way. I wonder if they could learn to be better, and smart. I wonder if it is better to educate them and try your hardest to bring the dark into the light, or is it better to leave them in the shadows forever, and only placate their blind desires? Only the men in power control those decisions, and I am not one of them. It would appear they have sworn the world at large to darkness, concealing true knowledge behind a blanket of lies and government, movies from Hollywood, false history, sitcoms and genocide. Fuck that, you can see the light of day, you can see what is real. Don't engage the sun in prayer, study it and apply the science of the stars to everyday logic and reasoning. The true balance would show itself if you put the bigger picture on the scale. No God, No King...only Man...